Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Phonies, Cronies And One Trick Ponies

As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly

~ Proverbs  26:11 (King James)

Hollywood (by MR BRlGHTSlDE deviantart.com)

If Looks Could Kill 

The actress Lucretia Bon Bon is siting in a black limousine.

Her bird like frame is swamped in a big white faux fur coat.

Her cold dark eyes stare unblinkingly ahead and her thin red lips are pinched tight shut whilst her sharp little face is blank.

The famous mane of raven hair is scraped back under a Burbery cap.

Lucretia Bon Bon is not amused.

Her flatulent little shih tzu is perched on her lap - he has already emitted wind several times since they began their journey.

Her husband - the hulking movie mogul best known for his catch phrase "shoot it or boot it" - Burt Meyers is staring dolefully out of the window.

The driver has long since given up making small talk with his miserable passengers. They are being driven along Sunset Boulevard to Studio Nine.

There is complete silence.

And a chill in the air.

The Hal Parsons Show..

One of the networks most popular chat shows.

It regularly attracts huge viewing figures and has done so for ten years. An invitation to appear on the show means you have arrived in Hollywood. It also guarantees maximum publicity and the right kind of exposure.

But the show is also the last chance saloon for those whose star has long since faded

Lucretia Bon Bon is the actress best remembered for her starring role of Ophelia in the hit - re imagining - of Shakespeare's Hamlet

She also played a memorable Evita in Don't Cry Again and had a memorable cameo in the classic musical Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush - as good time girl Hula Hoop. 

She also starred in the cult horror movie Stabber as a homicidal maniac.

Tonight Lucretia will be appearing with the popular French actor Bruno Amadour  who is best remembered for his breakthrough movie J'aime La Pluie

He is joined by rock star Zed Blue who is the lead singer with prog rock group The Echoes

Also sharing the sofa with them is voluptuous British reality TV show star Mandy Pickles from England who became a celebrity after appearing on the TV series Essex Girls.

Lucretia Bon Bon shudders at the thought of having to do a chat show.

She hates people and hates interviews.

She only agreed to do the show because she needs publicity for her comeback movie - Ghastly Whispers.

Her agent eventually persuaded her to do it,  using the hefty pay check as the biggest incentive. 

That was the dangling carrot that Bon Bon needed to do it.

But she hasn't been behaving herself.

Bon Bon has already managed to express her singular talent for alienating the people around her. 

She doesn't exactly have the right temperament to be in the industry.

The other day Bon Bon reduced the dresser's assistant to tears by making "an honest" remark about the woman's attire. 

"You look like a scarecrow" Lucretia rudely informed the woman insensitively.

Then she refused to try on yet another frock and stood in the middle of the room with her arms folded across her emaciated frame. 

As the devastated dresser's assistant fled from the room in tears - Lucretia merely shrugged and carried on as if nothing had happened.

"I was only saying the truth" Bon Bon remarked to the cowering make-up artist in the room.

There is an awkward silence as the petulant actress flashes the appalled woman with a broad smile.

Standing in her dressing room this evening,  Lucretia Bon Bon is in a state of nervous tension. 

She can barely conceal her annoyance as the make up artist and her assistant fuss about her. 

Lucretia is smoking her eighth cigarette - in spite of the fact that she was meant to have given up fifteen years ago. 

Her husband is skulking in a corner holding her flatulent shih tzu. 

Meyers hates the smelly animal. 

Earlier on in the day - Lucretia had had a blistering argument with him after she discovered that she would be sharing a sofa with a reality TV star from Essex.

"Work must be tight if I have appear on a chat show with that!" Lucretia snapped at her hapless husband."I will sue their asses if they mess me around!"

Her husband shrugged - even he cannot stand up to the domineering Lucretia Bon Bon.

"Shit. One minute I have it all and the next I am peddling myself with a bunch of goddamn amateurs!" She snorts with derision.

It's true.

One moment Lucretia Bon Bon had the world at her feet.

She had the pick of her leading men and was riding on the crest of a wave.

But her unattractive personality and big mouth soon put the kibosh on her career. 

Little innocent Lucretia stubs out her cigarette - and blows the smoke into the make up artists face. 

A hurt look flashes across the make-up artist's face.

Lucretia Bon Bon switches on the charm that has enabled her to wrap people around her little finger and allow her to get away with murder.

Bon Bon looks benevolently into make-up artists eyes. 

Her thin red lips spreading into a sweet smile as she bestows the woman with her most beneficent gaze. 

The make-up artist's face breaks into a smile and she visibly relaxes.

Lucretia loves her after all. 

But as soon as she leaves the room - Lucretia's anvil like face falls and she breaks into a vicious snarl. 

Goddamn wimps.

Lurectia Bon Bon flings open a tub of Eve Lom cleanser and grabs some tissue's and then surreptitiously wipes away the make up artist's handy work.

"I hate people touching my face and my hair!" Lucretia sneers "Look at me, I look like a fucking clown!"

Then she angrily pulls out a Chanel make up compact  from the her glittering Versace handbag and attentively powders her nose.

Lucretia Bon Bon has style.

But no class.

"I can't stand people dawdling around me and making a big deal over nothing. That stupid assistant earlier on .... fancy getting upset like that ... I was only telling her the truth ... " she continues matter-of-factly. 

Lucretia takes a long hard look at herself in the dressing room mirror and sighs. 

She is dressed in a sky blue Versace gown. 

Her raven hair has been teased into a chignon and she is wearing a Tiffany pearl necklace. 

She is wearing Jimmy Choo heels and a Cartier bracelet.  

She is so thin that her ribs are poking through the dress and she looks emaciated - today she ate six raisins, some minted peas and a salad. 

Bon Bon's pampered little shih tzu eats more food then she does.

"I suppose it will have to do" Lucretia Bon Bon murmurs with ill-conceived dissatisfaction at her reflection. 

The outfit and accessories are expensive.

But not expensive enough

"I deserve better!" Bon Bon adds testily.

Lucretia snatches her shih tzu from her brooding husband and snuggles up to him. The dog is almost as difficult and demanding as she is.

After several moments of affection - Lucretia carelessly flings the creature back at her disgruntled husband. 

The man detests the simpering hound and as soon as Lucretia's back is turned he sniggers venomously at her and the persnickety pooch beneath his breath. 
"Grasping bitch with your bitch"

The dog retaliates by cocking its behind and emitting more wind.
Lucretia Bon Bon - internationally famous for her angelic beauty and for her elegant roles in period pieces is a woman on the edge tonight. 

"I fucking hate doing this shit!" She rails as the veins in her neck stick out "Goddamn that fucking bastard agent of mine. He had better be right about this or I'll cut his fucking balls off!"

Her husband isn't going to argue.

Over in the studio - the show is going well. The guest's have all been in great spirits.

Hal Parsons is in his element tonight as he launches his charm offensive  

Zed has revealed that he and his group are working on a new album. 

Bruno has announced his impending marriage to busty Colombian actress Luna Alviraz to renewed applause. 

And Mandy Pickles has confided that she thought the Eiffel Tower was "called Eiffel because its a flippn' eyeful."

Marilyn Monroe (by fedileur deviantart.com)
The genial host - Hal Parsons gives them his trademark jig before announcing his last celebrity.

Parsons is a "silver fox" - mature and urbane. Square jawed and handsome - Hal Parsons is a familiar face on prime time TV.  

And he also successfully escaped a ten year old scandal when career killing pictures emerged in a tabloid newspaper. Parsons was secretly photographed snorting cocaine off a table in a swanky hotel in LA surrounded by hookers. He weathered the storm - and later re-emerged more popular then ever.

"Ladies and gentleman .... I am delighted to introduce my special guest tonight ... the adorable .... the talented ... the one and only Miss Lucretia Bon Bon!"

A member of the crew holds up a large placard titled "Applause". 

The studio audience bursts into rapturous applause and cheering. 

The little orchestra breaks into the sweeping love theme to Hamlet

The audience continues to clap enthusiastically. 

The guests slowly turn to where they expect the final guest to appear. Zed and Bruno politely stand up to greet her.

But there is no sign of  Lucretia Bon Bon. 

The orchestra keeps on playing - the conductor turns to Hal Parsons and shrugs. 

Several floor people race around talking into miniature microphones attached to their heads. 

The director is pulling his hair out - he's already drunk eight cups of coffee today. 

He is staring into the abyss of what was once his career. A career in commercials beckons. 

The producers are staring decidedly unamused at the unfolding scene. They glance almost in unison at their Rolex's. 

This show is becoming a liability.

Hal Parsons breaks into another broad grin - showing perfectly white teeth. But even he can't quite shake off the uneasiness. He nervously adjusts his tie.

"Did I tell you the one about the actress and the fireman...?" Hal exclaims cheekily - winking at the audience. They respond by breaking into fresh cheers and laughter.

Mandy, Zed and Bruno turn to look incredulously at each other on the sofa. 

Moments pass far too slowly. 

But still Miss Bon Bon does not appear. 

The orchestra keeps on playing the love theme without stopping. 

A large polystyrene column falls over sending some fake flowers flying into the audience. 

The orchestra plays on. 

And on.

Finally Lucretia Bon Bon makes her sweeping entrance. 

She strides in with her head held arrogantly high. 

Her sharp face avoids looking at the audience - she completely ignores the audience and the guests..

The erstwhile crew member holds up the placard for applause again - and the audience breaks into rapturous applause once more.  

Bon Bon's husband stands on the sidelines holding her shih tzu. His face registers silent rage. 

Lucrecia Bon Bon may be dressed immaculately and have the innocent visage that bought her to prominence  - but tonight she has a face like thunder. 

Another altercation with her husband preceded her appearance. 

This time the scuffle ended with Lucretia kneeing her husband in the groin.

The other day - she threw a phone at her husband's head.

The orchestra finally ends their umpteenth round of the Hamlet love theme. 

And the erstwhile crew member holds up a placard titled "Quiet". The clapping  immediately dies down but somebody in the second row manages to get a wolf whistle out.

Lucretia Bon Bon plonks herself down next to Mandy Pickles on the large sofa without bothering to acknowledge her or the other guests. 

She forces Zed Blue and Bruno Amadour to sit back down again. 

Lucretia shifts slightly away from Molly on the sofa. 

Several more uncomfortable moments pass before the other guests finally break out  into broad smiles. 

Consummate professionals all.

Lucretia refuses to look at the other guests - instead she stares straight ahead. 

She allows herself a quick glance - eyeing the Gallic actor up and down.

A French bimbo stinking of aftershave ..

Lucretia's eyes dart quickly to the rock star.

A tramp and those horrible jeans are too tight ... thank God I've never heard one of his records ...

Finally Lucretia looks hastily at the reality TV star.

Exactly as I thought ... fat and stupid and can't dress for shit ...

Lucretia seethes inwardly - she deserved to share the sofa with people of calibre.

Not this sorry lot.

Fucking hell ... get me off this sofa now ...

"Welcome Miss Bon Bon! I am absolutely delighted to have you here with us tonight ..." Hal says jovially with a flourish - taking his seat opposite Lucretia and the other guests. Lucretia glares back at Hal.

"I'm sure I am not the only one here tonight who fell in love with you in Hamlet" Hal continues enthusiastically "What a performance! That must have been an exciting role for a teenager to play?"

"It was okay I suppose" Lucretia says tersely "I was lucky"

"Well, I'm sure we would all love to know just how it all started for you Lucretia ... how did  you get this life changing opportunity?" Hal urges. 

Parsons has secretly come to the conclusion that this one is going to be hard work ...

"I was in my final year at drama school" Lucretia answers icily "the director considered giving the role to Ida Lee ... but he chose me instead ... I really don't care for her ..."

"Oh 'ow exciting!" Mandy Pickles suddenly exclaims loudly clapping her hands together "I wish I'd gone to drama school ... I was always in the school play ... I'd love to be an actress ... you're so beautiful Miss Bon Bons"

A few people clap in the audience. 

But Lucretia slowly turns to Molly and gives her a withering look. 

Molly suddenly feels horribly self-conscious.

There is another awkward silence - and Hal laughs nervously. 

Bruno takes a long hard critical look at Lucretia - he realises with startling clarity that he actually hates her now.  

Zed Blue has been weighing up how attractive Miss Bon Bon is on a Richter scale  She used to be one of his idols. Now he comes to the quick conclusion that the camera lies. 

Molly stares at Bon Bon with malice.

She needs to eat some real food ... skinny bitch ...

Lucretia Bon Bon is like a spidery tree against a bleak wintry sky

"Anyway - as I was saying ... " Lucretia continues slightly more animated "Mr Chevalier just loved my work and asked that I be in his movie and that's it"

A few audience members clap. Lucretia manages to give them a charitable smile.

"But can you tell us a little bit about the making of the movie?" Hal presses her - he privately laments that this is going to be uphill work. 

Another series and he'll try his hand at some other light entertainment shows - boring  actors no longer hold any allure. The ratings have been dropping anyway. He has three houses to enjoy - in London, Los Angeles and Tuscany. And he has four children from all four of his marriages.

Hal Parsons needs a break.

"Why don't you tell us about the famous nude scene!" Zed Blue suddenly interjects cheerily - nudging Lucretia's bony arm enthusiastically "You don't know what that scene means to a thirteen year old kid ... who is just discovering masturbation for the first time!"

Several audience members laugh out loud.

Lucretia Bon Bon responds by shooting Zed with a dagger look. 

Bruno and Mandy cringe into their seats as Hal shifts uneasily in his chair. 

At last the host's fixed grin is slipping. 

A moment of ice cold indignation wafts across the guests as Lucretia stares coldly at all of them in turn. 

She is particularly fond of creating arctic temperatures. 

All three guests are suddenly strangers enacting a strange rite.

"It is very nice to be here!" Bruno says unexpectedly in heavily accented English "Los Angeles is  ... how do you say it ... délicieusement désuet ... quaint ..."

Lucretia flashes Bruno with a look of utter disgust as she slowly shakes her head.

The crestfallen Frenchman settles back - deflated.

Lucretia crosses a skinny leg and finally emits a thin smile before continuing with her reminiscence -

"Well ... we shot Hamlet in Rome ... it was very hot ... there were flies everywhere and the food was terrible.... God, those costumes were heavy .... it was an ordeal  ... I worked fifteen hours a day ... the director was demanding and horrible .... one of the camera men was strange and kept looking at me in a funny way ... so I got him fired ... and I hated Lavinia David who played the Queen ... what an attention seeker!"

"But I'm sure you were delighted by the success of the movie" Hal replies quickly - trying to salvage the conversation "it was of course the role of a lifetime"

Another interminable silence follows. 

Molly can remember visits to the dentist being more enjoyable than this. 

Bruno wishes he was on his boat with his bride to be. 

And Zed suddenly wishes he was in the bar.

"Well ... .yes ... it was an experience ...  I suppose ... but that movie would have been nothing without me in it ...!" Lucretia finally declares loftily.

The uneasiness sinks in again as a cold silence descends.

Then Hal Parsons suddenly pulls out his trump card.

"I believe you have a book ready for publication - tell us a little bit about it?" Parsons asks hastily - hoping to allay the creeping sense of desolation that has descended upon them all. 

Lucretia instantly perks up like a drip fed flower - jolting the other guests out of their reveries.

"The book is full of love ... its a poem to my fans" Lucretia pronounces pretentiously "Its about my personal life philosophy ... and all the proceeds go to my favourite charity ... the Pink Poodle Foundation"

Zed Blue almost chokes.

Molly's eyes widen.

Bruno swears under his breath in French.

Hal laughs nervously again.

A crew member scampers on and hurriedly hands Lucretia a copy of  her book. 

The camera pans in on Lucretia Bon Bon. 

Her thin red mouth breaks into a forced smile as she holds up her book - Love and Light From Lucretia Bon Bon - to the camera.

Someone nudges the crew member who has nodded off where he stands. 

He quickly holds up a placard titled "Applause." 

The audience breaks into fervent clapping once more before he holds up the "Quiet" placard and they automatically stop again.
"Tell us a little bit more about Francis Chevalier ...after all ... he discovered you ..." Hal Parsons presses Lucretia. 

A note of annoyance has crept into his dulcet tones. 

Lucretia Bon Bon flings her book down with an indifferent gesture. Then she lets out a long sigh and after another difficult pause - she finally answers Parsons sharply -

"Chevalier was a monster ....a tyrant ... he made us work so hard ... I would never work with him again ... that movie has blighted my career ... all I get these days are cameos   ....

Zed Blue lets out a snort of derision.

"The great Chevalier!" Hal Parsons exclaims, smiling nervously at the camera "Surely not! I'm sure it couldn't have been that bad!" 

"Actually it was worse ... he was a complete bastard ... he made me get my boobs out ... and he ruined my career ... he's a lecherous pig ..." Lucretia Bon Bon finishes venomously.

Zed, Mandy and Bruno's eyes are wide open and their mouths have dropped open.

Hal Parsons turns nervously to the audience. 

He suddenly wishes he had a witty one liner or a joke up his sleeve but time is running out and this show has been a total disaster.

"That's ... really candid of you ... for sure" Hal Parsons stutters anxiously and laughs nervously  "the entertainment industry isn't quite as ... glamorous as we all  ... like to think ..."

A few audience members manage a laugh. 

The guests on the sofa are staring at their hands. Lucretia sits bolt upright with an impervious expression on her sharp little face.

"... so ladies and gentlemen ... you thought Miss Bon Bon was our only special guest tonight ... but we have another surprise for you ... "

Lucretia Bon Bon's eyes open wide as an expression of horror sweeps across her piquant face. 

She looks over to where her husband cowers with her dog. 

He is going to pay for this! 

You fucking useless bastard ...

Lucretia believed that she was the only special guest on the show tonight. 
"So ladies and gentlemen ...put your hands together ....." 

A loud drum roll sounds from the orchestra  ... the tension mounts ...

"Because tonight .... we have via satellite ... all the way from Rome  ....."

Lucretia lets out another long sigh. 

She appears visibly disinterested and is admiring her perfectly manicured nails. Whilst the other guests all wish they were somewhere else.

Hal Parsons turns to the big screen behind him - where a dark man with a greying beard stares impassively out.

"Mr Francis Chevalier!"  

Parsons finishes with a great flourish. The ubiquitous crew member diligently holds up the oft used placard titled "Applause". The audience bursts into loud energetic applause.

Behind Parsons a huge screen shows a mature man sitting with an impassive expression on his chiseled features. 

Latin and saturnine with black hair a curling moustache and piercing blue eyes - this is the face of a distinguished man. 

But there is a  look of pathological rage on the seasoned man's dark visage.

This mature man certainly has the appearance of somebody with a score to settle - as his eyes burn through the screen like lasers.

A cobra about to strike.

And the prey is - Lucretia Bon Bon.

Bruno Amadour quietly slips out. He has endured this charade long enough.

Zed Blue breaks into uncontrollable fits of laughter. He already has a song about tonight's non show in his head.

Molly Pickles wishes she was back in Blighty. She suddenly has a desire to eat beans on toast and mashed potato.

Hal Parsons has finally stopped smiling.

Burt Meyers is throwing up in the rest room.

Donatello the shihi tzu has gone missing.

The camera pans in on Lucretia Bon Bon's startled expression. 

She is sitting bolt upright on the sofa. 

kingkong (by welsix deviantart.com)
But now her face holds a frozen expression of horror. 

Her eyes are glazed. 

The colour has completely drained from her face. 

Her thin red mouth is hanging open. 

Her bony hands are scrunched up into tiny balls.

Outside Studio Nine - Lucretia's shih tzu Donetello cocks his leg and pees against a tree.  

The Viagra Falls

Thrust Hustler is a porn star.

Hugely in demand, Hustler is a veteran of the adult entertainment industry. He has appeared in over two hundred porn movies with some of the adult entertainment industries biggest stars.

Thrust Hustler has left his early Law school days far behind.

Blond and athletic with a firm jutting chin - Thrust is the all American boy.

His skin is brown from spray tans and days spent hiking in the Nevada hills.

His big teeth are unnaturally white and his muscled arms and legs are inflated from steroids.

Now in his 50's Thrust Hustler - real name Kevin Jones - is more in demand then ever.

Today he is appearing in a feature called The Devil's Seed with up and coming porno starlet - Alma Atlanta.

Hanging around in a bathrobe between takes at a secret location in LA, Thrust has swallowed some Viagra and a swift draft of whiskey to get him into the mood.

Alma Atlanta emerges from her trailer.

Small, pert with endless blonde extensions - Alma flashes everyone with a wide toothy grin.

Her inflated breasts and inflated lips make her look like a duck. She waddles to the set wrapped in a bathrobe as a make up artist fuses around her.

Alma's frozen expression is the legacy of frequent excursions to the dermatologists clinic. Her butt implants are her latest enhancement.

The static state of her face makes reacting difficult - but the viewers of this movie aren't going to waste time looking at her face. Alma bats her large false eyelashes at everyone. The one time shop girl has come far since the days when she dreamed about Hollywood as she stacked shelves.

And she has been taking it lying down ever since.

Thrust and Alma have already blocked their scene together. And gone over their two lines of dialogue.

The director is the adult entertainment industries Steven Spielberg -  Bill Sigma.

He is a short and commanding man with a raspy voice.

His jocular manner hides a ruthless streak and a love of money. Sigma has just spent thirty minutes snorting cocaine in the rest room before coming on set today.

'This is gonna be big baby!" Bill announces loudly as he strides in followed by his entourage

Alma gives the enthusiastic director a broad smile. She is not known for her wit.

Thrust flexes his muscles.

Forty minutes later and the busy set has fallen silent.

The set has been carefully dressed to resemble a Bedouin tent in the middle of the desert in ancient Babylonia.

An innocent maiden called Ina has been possessed by a demon and in an erotic frenzy she attacks and seduces the devout priest Anus.

Alma's blonde extensions have been tucked into an ancient Egyptian looking wig.

Thrust has been given an ancient priests vestment and high hat to wear. But there is no need for clothes.

They shoot the opening scene in which Ina is possessed and then ravages Anus with a large pomegranate.

"By the fire of mine golden chariot" Thrust intones at the lithe figure of seductive Ina "get away with thee wench!"

Fifteen minutes later Thrust is on top of Alma on a Persian carpet surrounded by silks and cushions.

A sharp pain suddenly shoots up his leg and Thrust finds himself unable to move as his back goes out.

Alma's pneumatic breasts are poking in Thrust's face smothering him. As she emotes wildly she continues to shove her chest in his face and then wraps her legs around his back in a vice like grip.

Thrust winces in pain as Alma tightens her legs and then digs her nails into his back.

'Oh yes - yeeeees!' Alma screams loudly  in Thrust's ear "There ... yes there!".

She continues to thrash about theatrically as she moans and fakes her ecstasy.

Thrust grimaces in agony trying to pretend to be enjoying it. Alma grabs his head by the hair and pulls it down. The intense director is transfixed - this is his best work yet!

'Oh no - noooooo!' Thrust groans back "No ... please no!"

"Yes ...oh yes!" Alma screams in Thrust's face.

Unable to move his ailing body - Thrust Hustler struggles to act as if he is enjoying the sexual athletics.

Alma reaches down and yanks at his member.

Thrust howls in pain but acts for a further twenty minutes as Alma doggedly pulls at his beleaguered manhood

'Cut!' The director cries enthusiastically "Magnificent babies - that was excellent!"

Thrust stumbles back - gasping for air. Alma springs up - flinging her wig off.

The set becomes busy with members of the crew.

Thrust's personal assistant enters the set sheepishly.

She meanders towards Thrust and avoids looking directly at his sweating and panting body.

The woman tentatively hands him a telephone.

"Phone call for Mr Hustler" She says.

Thrust looks up - still breathing heavily from his exertions.

'Its your mother' The assistant adds.

Oscar (by Renez deviantart.com)


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