Lolita's Return

Because you took advantage of a sinner

because you took advantage

because you took

because you took advantage of my disadvantage ...
...when I stood Adam-naked
before a federal law and all its stinging stars... 

~ Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov 

Yo, I'm off to the races, laces 
Leather on my waist is 
Tight and I am falling down 
I can see your face is shameless 
Cipriani's basement 
Love you but I'm going down 
God, I'm so crazy, baby 
I'm sorry that I'm misbehaving 
I'm your little harlot, starlet 
Queen of Coney Island 
Raisin' hell all over town 
Sorry 'bout it 

~ Off To The Races by Lana Del Rey 

LIPS, MOUTH, RED, RED LIPS (favim.com)

Brave New World

Lia Jennings was haunting the life she once possessed.

Her life felt like it was being lived by someone else.

She was just the silent partner.

Days stretched into weeks.

Weeks stretched into months.

Like shadows against a wall.

Time had no meaning.

It had become obsolete.

From the moment Lia Jennings arrived in her new apartment she had entered a twilight world.

She spent much of the day sleeping.

Lia Jennings felt as if she was living in suspended animation.

She only rose to eat a little and to admit questioning people.

Lia was unable to escape her past because she was constantly being made to recount it to cops who scribbled on notebooks.

Over and over again she revisited that fateful night.

Then Lia Jennings would spend interminable hours sitting in a chair wrapped in a blanket, just staring into space.

Or lying in her bed with the curtains drawn.

She was locked away in purgatory.

As life continued outside her window without her.

Lia Jennings was stuck in limbo.

Between the living and the dead.

Whilst others decided her fate.

Lia's mind had stopped like a clock on the wall.

It had stopped at the events of a cool summer night when she had killed her lover.

Lia Jennings had been frozen in time.

The icy cold hand of her sadistic lover had reached out of the grave to take her down with him.

Steven Jessop.

Lia's violent former lover.

Now when the wind blew through her window - it blew right through her soul too.

let go (by youreuglykbie deviantart.com)

There was a yawning gap where her heart should have been.

Thoughts spun obsessively around Lia's head.

They plagued her by day and taunted her by night

Steven Jessop.

He was dead.

But he lived on in her nightmares.

In her dark dreams Lia saw his scowling face looking down on her as he forced himself into her.

The memory of his abuse hurt like a physical wound.

Forever opened and never healing.

Then she pictured the grinning face of her father as he raped her on the floor of his shed.

"You're daddy's little angel"

Her father had been sexually abusing her since the age of thirteen.

The stain he left behind had cast a shadow over her life.

Lia Jennings was damaged goods.

A vampire living off one man after another.

Shunned by polite society.

She was Lolita.

Then her father died.

And Lia Jennings danced on his grave.

But she was still in hell.

Then there were the nightmares.

Always the nightmares.

Lia would wake up screaming.

She would be drenched in sweat as tears streamed down her face.

In her tortured mind she recounted endlessly how she had run over Jessop and then reversed several times over his body.

"Fuck you! Fuck you Fuck!"

Lia Jennings remembered how coldly and unemotionally she had behaved.

How she stood over his crushed body of Steven Jessop and spat on it.

"Fuck you to hell!" Lia Jennings screamed at the corpse.

Then she burst into harsh sobs.

She was free at last.

Lia showered several times to wash his smell out of her.

To wash her shame away.

Then she coolly called the cops.

"I just murdered Steven Jessop ..." Lia Jennings said simply before dropping the phone.

She was devoid of all emotion.

All the life had been sucked out of her bones.

Occasionally strangers came and went.

They passed in and out of her apartment. 

They spoke to her but she couldn't understand what they were saying.

Their voices were barely audible.

Their mouths moved but Lia Jennings was unable to focus on what they were saying.

Because she gone into shock.

Lia Jennings was locked away in the prison of her own mind.

And nobody she had lost the key let herself out.

Lia Jennings resisted and put up a spirited defence at her first medical examination.

She was still recovering from her mental and emotional scars.

And eventually she surrendered to the inevitable prying eyes and prying hands.

Her left arm was badly broken.

There was an angry gash on one side of her face from where Steven Jessop had repeatedly bashed her head against the bedroom wall.

Her right eye was black and swollen and her lip was badly cut from where he had punched her.

Lia's flesh was sore from where Jessop had forced numerous objects into her vagina.

And her body was riddled with large blue and purple bruises from where he violently abused her that final night.

Every part of her was sore.

But the soreness in her heart would not subside now.

There was a black thing living inside her.

And it was the dark ghost of her dead lover.

Invasive hands.

Invasive questioning.

Emotional expressions of empathy from rape professionals.

"We are here to help you!" The woman informed her gently.

But the kindness did not register with her.

Because she was already in hell.

Lia Jennings sat staring dead eyed through one questioning after another.

Strangers were kind to her and she stared back in disbelief at them.

The milk of human kindness was a new thing to her.

Her childhood friend had suddenly emerged and flown over from New York to be with her.

She jettisoned her baby and husband to be with Lia Jennings in her hour of need.

Abbey Wright.

She was a pretty blonde girl with bright blue eyes who had often been mistaken for Lia.

The two had been inseparable since they were toddlers and it was to Abbey that Lia ran when things at home got too much.

They smoked and lived their lives together.

But they resembled each other in more than just looks.

They were soul sisters.

The couple stood hugging in the rain.

Abbey Wright was sobbing loudly.

But Lia Jennings couldn't cry.

She had no more tears left

"The son of a bitch is dead!" Abbey Wright kept saying as they clung to each other in the lashing rain.

Lia Jennings stared blankly ahead.

Unable to feel anything.

"I'm here now" Abbey Wright cried as she held Lia tightly in her arms "I won't let anyone hurt you again!"

They slept in the same bed.

Abbey refused to let Lia out of her sight.

"I'm not gonna let you go!" Abbey Wright informed her.

Days passed quickly as Abbey helped Lia Jennings to learn to live her life again.

Lia was like a new born baby.

And Abbey Wright was helping her to put the shattered fragments of her life back together again.

When the court summons finally arrived Lia's terrifying burden of suspense was finally lifted.

But she had had to endure an intense cross examination.

No stone was left unturned.

Lia Jennings gave a blow by blow account of life with Steven Jessop and of the fateful night she murdered him.

And every piece of information was taken apart and deliberated.

Finally her ordeal was over and Lia had wept for days after her court appearance.

Several months passed slowly and the final hearing had arrived.

It was written in stone.

And Lia's fate was hanging in the balance.

Lia Jennings dressed carefully that fateful morning in a smart grey suit.

Abbey Wright brushed her blonde hair into a tidy pony tail.

"You looking beautiful!" She informed Lia.

But when she stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror it was Lolita who stared back at her.

Lolita.

The young woman in the mirror was a beautiful stranger with haunted blue eyes.

And Lia Jennings barely recognised the face that looked back at her in the mirror.

She was a little girl again.

he called to say goodnight (by youreuglykbie deviantart.com)

Lia Jennings pulled out a little black velvet box from a drawer in her bedroom.

Then she took out a little angel pendant from the box and paused for a moment.

It had belonged to her beloved mother who had died of cancer when she was just a teenager.

Joanna Jennings.

An attractive brunette with large brown eyes and a gentle voice.

Lia Jennings had never fully recovered from her loss.

"You're daddy's little angel"

The memory of her father's words stung her.

"I'm doing this for you mama!" Lia murmured as she clasped the trinket about her neck.

Abbey Wright was watching her quietly from the bedroom door.

She had chosen never to cry in Lia's presence.

But the poignancy of the moment was too much for her and she fled in tears.

"If you're up there big fella" Abbey Wright prayed "then please save my friend today"

It was suddenly very quiet in the shrouded house.

An hour later and Lia Jennings was clinging onto Abbey Wright for dear life.

They were making their way through the maddening assembled throng outside the court room.

People were pushing and shoving.

People were firing questions at her from every angle.

Lia's Jewish lawyer was striding ahead.

Jeffrey Lane was a stocky and bombastic man.

He had a round open face, hazel eyes and short curly black hair.

And he was not afraid of anyone.

Jeffrey Lane was ably dispersing the jostling crowd with a commanding voice.

"No questions!" He bellowed "My client has nothing to say at this point!"

But it was a media circus.

Lia Jennings had acquired a dubious celebrity.

Camera's kept flashing as she and Abbey fought to make their way through the maddening throng.

Reporters were firing questions from every angle.

Through the corner of her eye Lia could see the mother and father of Steven Jessop standing on the court steps.

They cast accusatory eyes at her.

They were both dressed in black and Lia supposed that they had come to witness her funeral.

For a brief moment she swore she saw Steven Jessop standing beside his parents like a dark shadow.

Terror gripped Lia's soul.

Then the vision vanished and she was struggling up the court steps with her best friend again.

Time had stopped.

Moments later Lia felt that she was having an out of body experience as she sat in the crowded court room.

Abbey Wright squeezed her hand and smiled at her.

She was her rock.

Lia Jennings would be spared the horror of being cross examined again.

One witness after another gave their testimony.

Including Miranda Jennings.

The stepmother.

She painted Lia as an unstable young woman who had lied about her own father and gotten exactly what she deserved.

Miranda Jennings stared malevolently at her step daughter as blackened her character.

But Jeffrey Lane picked holes in her statements and blew them out of the water.

Miranda Jennings was just a bitter woman who had always hated her step daughter and regarded her as an imposition to her lavish lifestyle.

Jeffrey Lane held court like the principal actor in a Shakespeare play.

A hush had descended upon the assembly.

Evidence was passed around the courtroom amid stifled gasps.

There were numerous images of Lia's broken body after the abuse.

Joshua Jennings stared with intense emotion at his sister as she sat looking wan and fragile beside Abbey Wright.

Lia's face was as white as a sheet.

She looked like a ghost.

Or a frightened little bird caught in a snare.

Joshua's feelings towards Lia had thawed.

And he at last begun to accept her version of life their father.

"My sister was systematically abused by our father ... she told me when we were little ... but I could never accept it ... but now I believe her ... I'm sorry Lia "

Lia Jennings stared dumbly at her brother.

At last he had finally accepted her truth.

Joshua Jennings was free to go now.

The stepmother glared from the front row.

Miranda Jennings was dressed entirely in black.

She was the black widow.

Her cold blue eyes were rimmed with black kohl and she wore the customary slick of bright red lipstick.

She was dressed in a black satin Valentino dress with a slit down the side.

A burly man in a stetson sat beside her.

Her latest man.

Miranda Jennings glowered at her convicted step daughter.

"You filthy little whore and murderer"

Time blurred in this twilight zone of testimonies and tension .

Lia Jennings felt as if she had fallen into a deep slumber.

And she did not know if she would ever wake up.

During recess Lia sat with Abbey Wright outside the court room drinking coffee.

Her hand was shaking so much that she could barely hold the plastic cup.

"Everything is gonna be just fine!" Abbey soothed.

But Lia Jennings was lost in her own thoughts.

Her hand shot up to her angel pendant and for a moment Lia felt peaceful.

She felt as if her mother were close.

Presently she was back in the courtroom.

And the tension was mounting.

The jury had decided upon a verdict at last.

Abbey Wright squeezed Lia's hand and smiled encouragingly at her.

"What ever it is ... we'll get through it together"

Joshua Jennings and his wife were looking at Lia with concern.

Her fate was hanging in the balance.

And all throughout the case Joshua had been reliving things he had blocked out.

Things he had fought to forget.

Their father had been a sadistic abuser who had beaten and raped his own daughter.

And now Joshua Jennings was filled with guilt and shame.

He had let his sister down when she had needed him the most.

Joshua had never credited her rape stories even though his witnessed and experienced his father's brutality first hand.

The pain was too much for him to face.

But now he was determined to make amends.

Joshua Jennings would always be there for his sister now.

The stepmother stared coldly from the back of the courtroom.

Her thin white face was a mask of malice.

"Not guilty!" The smart man in a black pin-stripe suit declared firmly as his voice rang throughout the courtroom.

"Not guilty!"

There was an audible sigh throughout the court.

Justice had been served.

"Not guilty!"

Lia Jennings could barely hear what the officious judge was saying.

But the warm tone in his voice indicated to Lia that she was no longer a pariah.

She was just a young woman who had been brutally raped and been driven to commit the ultimate crime.

Abbey Wright was holding Lia Jennings now and kissing.

"You're free baby!" Abbey cried in jubilation "Do you hear me ...you are free!"

Joshua Jennings strode over to his sister and embraced her.

Tears were streaming down his cheeks.

He had been reunited with the sister he had never understood or accepted.

But all that was going to change now.

And he would never let her go again.

"I'm so sorry sis .... I'm so sorry sis ...  " Joshua repeated over and over.

Finally Lia Jennings was weeping.

She let out a primal flood of grief

Her emotions had thawed at last.

And she was a flesh and blood woman again.

The storm had passed.

Abbey Wright, Joshua Jennings and his wife embraced Lia in a sheltering hug.

As the mother and father of Steven Jessop quietly slipped out of the courtroom in a blaze of flashing cameras.

They had lost their son long before Lia Jennings had mowed him down.

"You dirty murdering bitch!" Miranda Jennings exclaimed loudly.

All eyes were upon her.

And Miranda Jennings was fighting the urge to retch at the touching reunion before her.

The man beside her attempted to comfort her but the spiky woman shoved him away.

Miranda Jennings had lost.

She flounced out of the courtroom as cameras began flashing in her face.

Leaving her bewildered lover and one time family behind.

Miranda Jennings was a dark spidery figure disappearing into a waiting taxi cab.

That night she took an overdose of sleeping pills.

And never woke up.

Only a few people bothered to show up at her funeral several days later.

Lia Jennings was carried out of the courtroom on a tidal wave of love.

Well known faces and admiring strangers called out rallying remarks to her.

Countless cameras were flashing as Lia Jennings came out onto the courtroom steps with Abbey Wright and her family.

The afternoon sun greeted her.

It was a good to be alive.

And Lia Jennings had at last been released from the prison of her mind.

Then she noticed the sad expressions on the faces of Steven Jessop's parents.

There was an unmistakable look of desolation in their faces.

Then they sombrely entered a waiting taxi cab and drove out of Lia's life forever.

Jeffrey Lane ordered the throng to be quiet so Lia Jennings could address.

"I just want to thank everyone who has stood by me and believed in me ... I have been a victim of horrific psychological, emotional and sexual abuse for much of my life ... firstly by my own father and then by the man who I believed had loved me ... I was driven to commit a terrible crime and I will have to live with it for the rest of my life ... today is the beginning of the rest of my life ..."

Loud cheers rose from the throng.

Everyone appeared to be laughing and smiling around her.

Abbey Wright was clapping and sobbing.

"I love you baby!" She cried.

Joshua Jennings and his wife were looking affectionately on.

They were poised to take Lia back to their elegant townhouse with them.

I just want to be wonderful (by youreuglykbie deviantart.com)

Jeffrey Lane was talking animatedly to several reporters.

He was enjoying all the attention and handing out his business cards.

So many well known faces from her past and many new ones were admiring Lia Jennings.

It was as if all the dark experiences of the past had converged into one powerful moment and been extinguished.

There was not longer any need to exhume the dead.

The sight of a pretty little girl standing near her mother suddenly caught Lia's eye.

She was very familiar to her.

And Lia's heart jumped.

The child had blonde pig tails and was wearing a pink summer dress.

Suddenly Lia Jennings was eight years old again and chasing butterflies in the garden.

She was laughing and carefree.

Those were the halcyon days before the nightmares began.

Tears filled Lia's eyes.

She was eleven years old again and dancing to the radio in her bedroom imagining that she was a film star walking down a Hollywood red carpet.

Lia Jennings wiped away her tears with a hand.

She was a teenager again holding onto her brother as the coffin containing their mother was slowly lowered into the ground.

Lia Jennings was weeping uncontrollably on that sad and mournful day.

Suddenly a large black crow screeched loudly from a tree.

And Lia was back on the courtroom steps surrounded by admirers.

She unclasped her angel pendant and handed it to the little girl.

"This is for you!" Lia Jennings informed the little girl "Because you're a little angel"

The child smiled with delight.

"Look after her" Lia advised her mother.

Then she opened up her arms like an eagle spreading its wings.

Lia Jennings was free at last.

And she was ready to fly.

It was a brave knew world.

And Lia Jennings swore she could hear angels singing

Lolita had been reborn again.

fading like the day (by youreuglykbie deviantart.com)